TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
