Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
