I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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