True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
