I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
