It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
