I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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