I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
