Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
