The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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