u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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