just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
