If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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