please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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