this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
