Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
