I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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