so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
