I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
