I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
