HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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