my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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