Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
