Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
