I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
