In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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