dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
It's rum buckets o'clock
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
