Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
