Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
