Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
