i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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