just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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