Porn is love you can see.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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