my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
