I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
