Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
