I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
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