I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
