This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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