You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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