i just sent this text using only my big toe
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
