I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
