I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
