If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm passing your future prison.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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