im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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