there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
