I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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