Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
