The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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