Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
