can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
