You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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