Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
