I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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