I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
