I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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