Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
