i would punch a child for taco bell
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
